The Truth About People

I’m so glad that I’m now coming towards that point in my life where I will be forced to abandon contact with certain people who I really don’t want to associate with, now that I’ve got to know their realities. My friends (or so they were called) were just friends of opportunity. With the exception of a rare few who I’d like to mention in code words with the letters of their first names being real. They were Miranda, Wendy, Felicity, Shannon, Annie, Rachel, Alicia, Sarah and Macey. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hangout with them more often, due to some reasons. And the closer group that I had and even the friend that seemed closest t me betrayed me in the end. Not completely betrayed, but she made it very clear that she didn’t give a damn abut me at all. On the other hand, I proved to her time and time again how selfless I was in my friendship. She even misguided me a little, I would say, but she made it very clear that she considered herself above me,  and that I was of least importance. Her studies came first, then everything else. She wants servants, I realized. People who would do stuff for her, help her and in return she would just give a little token of thanks n texts and that would be it. I can hardly remember a time where she went at lengths for something that I needed. This is how the world is. Whenever I get too close to a person, Allah shows me their true colours.

And I feel privileged for that. That Allah cares about me and wants me to rely only on Him instead of people. I now enjoy my own company better than those phony people’s. I would be content watching Islamic lectures on Youtube rather than talking to people who have no interest in me whatsoever. Alhamdulillah, I have my parents and siblings and over the years I’ve realized what great supports they can be!

You really don’t need people to lead a content life. You do require them at certain points but you do not need to make a person the focal point in your life. That’s all I can say and I’m content to eventually lose touch with all the useless connections I was forced to make.

I can’t believe I’m the one who’s saying this. I am such a cordial person who loves to socialize and here I am, saying all of this, after realizing the truth about people. It doesn’t mean I hate people. I will continue to be civil with people, ofcourse, but I wouldn’t ever dream of getting too attached to anyone in my life except Allah.

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Ignorance is not bliss.

Writing, ever since it has evolved, in my opinion, has been filled with pages and pages of the dilemma about finding your inner self, spirituality, getting in touch with your reality which ultimately leads to some quite mind boggling questions about how we and the world was created. Everybody chooses their own way. Some go on to believe in the Oneness of one God, some believe in no god at all, and some go on to follow various other religions like Christianity, Hinduism, etc. . The point is that we all try and find the meaning of life through some means.

I, for one, have been born a Muslim. A Muslim who believes in the Oneness of one God, Allah. Who believes in Allah’s book, the Holy Quran which is as it is, unedited, unstained by the words of humans, all through 1400 years. I believe in all the prophets that Allah sent and I believe that Prophet Muhammad (Peace Be Upon Him) is the last prophet of Allah. These are my beliefs.

Okay, our religion is not just about believing in these things and that’s that. There is this need of worshipping a deity in every human being and we are supposed to worship Allah by praying to him five times a day at least.

So, I wasn’t always very religious. I think I spend most of my day from trying to stay away from reality, watching TV shows throughout the day and then praying forcefully, just as if it is a ritual or something. I wonder how the Sahaba (companions of the Prophet Muhammad PBUH)could offer prayers with so much concentration that they weren’t the least conscious of what was going on around them at the time of prayers. As soon as Adhaan (Call to Prayer) would be called out, they would rush to the Masjid and pray. This was for the love of Allah, our Creator. I always wondered why I couldn’t find the same level of love for Allah. I’ve reached to the conclusion that looking at my lifestyle, I would say that I don’t really have time for Allah.

How sad is that? He created me, loved me, has helped me in every way that I can possibly imagine and I just forget Him and only seem to remember Him during my time of need. Mankind is selfish but it shouldn’t be this selfish. I’ve also realized that people from other faiths and religions probably know more about the Quran and Islam than me. In other words, am I just a Muslim by name? I have’t internalized most of the practices that Allah teaches us. Like being grateful for all the blessings He has given us, being kind, loving and obedient towards my parents, always telling the truth, being peaceful, not judging others, improving my character, not back biting and loads of other morals.I think I’m not a very good example of a Muslim either. I’m just a regular girl. I am, maybe, a good human being, but I’m definitely not a good Muslim.

This is why I’ve been feeling this gnawing emptiness in my heart which gets filled to some extent every time I strive to be closer to Allah. I take one step towards Him and He takes ten steps towards me. I feel really peaceful. But then, I would revert to my ignorant habits and start getting restless again. This has to stop. I have to stop before it gets too late. I have to get in touch with my reality and find Allah before I get completely lost in darkness.

I think we should all focus on finding ourselves. Procrastination of any sort is not good for us, whether we are Muslims or non Muslims. Just a thought that crossed my mind.

Is it really okay?

It is okay to form a secret world of your own and not let anybody in if you don’t want to. It is okay to not have the perfect family that you wish for. It is okay to get betrayed a number of times by the people who you called friends. It is okay to feel lonely in a room full of people. It is okay to get ridiculed by people none other than your very own. It is okay if you weren’t brought up a certain way that essential qualities were missing in you and you had to build them up on your own. It is okay that you vow to raise your own future kids the way you weren’t. It is okay to feel mentally depressed and vent it all out to a diary instead of a person. It is okay to have somebody else as your best friend instead of your own sibling. It is okay if they don’t care a tuppence about you but you give your all to them. It is even okay that they don’t acknowledge that you’ve given anything to them. It is okay to constantly regret that you haven’t found anyone yet who understands you. It is okay to cry over all these things.
I continuously tell myself that.
But is it really okay? Is it?

Can it last forever?

You would think love from God’s creation would be enough, wouldn’t you? To give you a reason to live, to bring that healthy glow on your face and make you so happy just by looking at the person you love that you forget all your troubles for that moment at the very least. But does this last for long? No. There comes a time when you realize that just GIVING love is not enough. However much you might’ve convinced yourself for it to be enough for you, there comes a time when it just isn’t. Now you need love in return. Your happiness turns into desperation, it turns into a dire need of being loved. The beautiful glow you once had starts burning slowly until you’re left with a sallow face and a pitiful demeanour. And finally, if that just wasn’t enough, your heart rips apart when you get to know that the person you love doesn’t love you back.

Such is the case when you fall in love with a human being. It never is enough. Even if your expectations start getting fulfilled, you will want more. You will keep asking for more until the source is exhausted. Then comes the final heartbreak. It would devastate you. Something like you’ve never experienced before. Smoldering hot fire will burn at you and make you wither. Such is material love. Then why do we run after its momentary happiness?

Moreover, is there a kind of love that would fill us so completely that we wouldn’t need to get our hearts shattered by people like us? I think there is and it can be found if we look for it.

This is how far it goes..

You could convince me any second that you loved me and I would believe it. Just like that. I would totally believe it and I would dwell on that for most of my life. Your helping nature, your clever jokes, your face, your hairstyle that looks partly from the 80’s, your kind, intelligent eyes- it all makes me fall in love with you again and again every single day. The way, actually all the ways my friends tease me about you- I love all of those ways.
It seems like a long TV show. In some season, they add a new character, make you notice all their beauty and flaws along the way and make you fall in love with that character. And then out of nowhere, they cut that character out. I feel this is how our story’s going to end- for me. Because you have zero feelings for me. It’s all about to end so soon. We’re going to go our different ways. And then there’s no way our paths are going to meet. There are some stories which you definitely know the endings of and this is one of them.
But still, I wish you could know all my feelings and love me back the way I love you or possibly even more.